A Cautionary Tale

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING EVENTS MAY OR MAY NOT BE TRUE. WELL, THE MAJORITY OF THEM ARE. NAMES MAY HAVE BEEN CHANGED. AS WELL AS ODORS. AND THE DAY THE EVENTS OCCURRED. BUT REALLY, THIS REALLLLLY HAPPENED.

Once upon a time there was a sweet Asian girl named Ann. Law student by day, ninja by night. Because she had vowed at the tender age of 4 to use her ninja skills only after sunset on Friday night until sunset Saturday night (when crime is at its highest), she was not able to use her skills to fend off library bums this past Sunday (that's right, on the holiest of days). By library bum, I'm talking about a real life bum who invades libraries, not myself. I know I can be easily confused for a bum during the school week, except for Wednesday's because no one should ever look bad on hump day.

Back to Ann, the law school ninja. Sunday. Lunch break. 15 minutes. She's gone from her tiny study room for 15 minutes. The study rooms are the size of a half bathroom, but can fit two people. They are dimly lit and have small florescent lights above the desks to light our many possessions, such as Property by Dukenminier and our coveted Puppy Helmet Outlines. Who is Puppy Helmet anyway? Ninja Ann approaches her study room, well rested from her lunch break and only half full like the Japanese recommend for dietary purposes. However, Ann is Vietnamese. She turns the door handle slightly and notices someone covering the small window on the door. "WTH", she thinks, "Must be Preston." She SLAMS the door open and out pops a LARGE HOMELESS OGRE reading books upside down and speaking gibberish. Will likes to refer to him as Homeless Pete. Homeless Pete is angered that she would barge in his literary hour. She explains to him that she was there first, a rule we all learned in kindergarten. A ninja never forgets such lessons. He proceeds to GET KRUNK on her and argues that there are TWO chairs in there and he has the right to take the 2nd chair. He failed to realize that no one, and I mean no one, messes with Ninja Ann 1L.

Ann grabs her stuff and runs down the hall to Kristin's room. She drops off her stuff there and frantically recants her story about the library bum. Kristin said that she had seen him the whole week on that very floor. She said she could smell him anywhere...he has a distinct smell, like bleach and urine. Ninja Ann BACK FLIPS (like Kim Possible) to the front lobby where a member of our police force stands guard at all hours. Guess he wasn't paying much attention if he let that shifty Homeless Pete in all week long.

Ninja Ann told her story to officials and found out his name. As resourceful as she has proven to be, she runs a background check to find that HE HAS A HISTORY OF DRUG MANUFACTURING AND DELIVERY. HE WENT TO JAIL FOR 4 YEARS FOR MANUFACTURING, POSSESSION, AND DISTRIBUTION OF ILLEGAL NARCOTICS. That explains the bleach smell. The urine is just him being Homeless Pete. While he was being escorted out, his only possessions fall out of his pockets - comb, toothbrush, and toothpaste, and a recorder.

Now Ninja Ann travels the world telling her story to all that will hear her tale of Homeless Pete.

Beware, if this happened to Ninja Ann IL, it can happen to you too. Actually, it WILL happen to you. Tomorrow.